I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
