remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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