Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
