I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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