Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
