There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
