Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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