I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
