This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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