It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
