i just sent this text using only my big toe
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
