Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
