The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
