I hate all girls vehemently.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
