I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
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