I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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