How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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