Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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