I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We are all done wearing pants today
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
