i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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