So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
