1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
