yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Randomize
