Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
