Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
