So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
