shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
