Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
