My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
