Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
