I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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