I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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