I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
