Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
