Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
