It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
