ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
