Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
