So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
