I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
