I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
