It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
