Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Life is so much better after having sex.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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