I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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