you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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