Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
