I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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