He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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