By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
