I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
